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January 29, 2004

You have made me very angry!

For those who haven't been following the Mars probes, Spirit has pretty much stopped working.

But -as always- NASA is on the job troubleshooting the problem, and may have found it.

January 31, 2004

Bush seeks out new strategies

Is the president rethinking his campaign strategies? Perhaps:

ScrappleFace: Bush Turns to Clinton for Election Advice

Exploding Whale

A marine biologist in Taiwan was transporting a beached whale cacass to National Cheng Kung University in Tainan City when it exploded.

According to Wang Chien-ping, a professor of marine biology at the university, this was the largest beached whale on record in Taiwan.

Yet another metaphor for the Dean campaign... Heh.

February 2, 2004

A new Super-Villian is born!

Frank does it again, when he reveals that John Kerry (who -by the way- served in Vietnam) is in actuality Botoxulon!!

Alas for our villian, his secret vulnerability seems to be... Go read the story and find out. :)

Will Botoxulon return? Will George Bush bet on the Cowboys next Superbowl?

Stay tuned for the next episode of In My World, only at Frank J.'s place.

February 5, 2004

Yeti Madness

Ok, it's official. The Penguin Bashers have gone insane!

Me, I like the "Internet Explorer has encountered a penguin" message. Heh.

February 6, 2004

A "costume malfunction," eh?

By now everyone but the Hottentots know about Janet Jackson's little "accident" during the Super Bowl half-time show. I'm sure way too much bandwidth has been spent on it, but I just couldn't resist one more observation.

Over on Dean's World, Dean himself said several times that "I continue to believe that Jackson's costume was fragile--anything made of cheap stuff leather and rivits can come apart easily," even though he had no basis for that.

Tonight I just found out that the shop in New York City that made the outfit is kinda pissed at Janet J. for dissing their work:
' Furious staffers at the freaky Manhattan fetish shop that sold Jackson the bustier she wore at the Super Bowl say she altered it to make a tearaway bra cup — giving folks the impression that their clothing for the kinky crowd is badly made.

"There's no way it would have ripped that way," fumed Sam Hill, the female manager of DeMask. '

You talk about keeping jobs here in America; you encourage folks to "Buy American," and this is the thanks that honest, hard working citizens like Ms. Hill have to face.

There ain't no justice, I tell ya...

February 27, 2004

Late Breaking news

WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP) - In a surprise move today, the Bush administration announced the funding of a $5 billion project to build a time machine. White House representative Scott McClellan said today that the Democratic Party leaders' demands for a 24/7 accounting of Bush's whereabouts during his ANG service have, yet again, forced the administration to increase Federal funding for yet another ground-breaking new program.

McClellan said that the basis for the new project originated when several Missile-Defense analysts accidentally ingested some TCH pellets soaked in hash oil that had been designed for terrorist behavior-modification applications. This apparently induced an insight into the nature of time; that "one's location in time depends on a point of view moving on a specific vector on a toroidal surface," to quote one habitual user research specialist.

"We feel that the Worldview Anacron Yester-Balancing Annular Clock/Kinetic (WAYBACK) Machine will prove to be a ground-breaker for scientists," remarked McClellan, and followed up a FOX News question whether Chappaquiddick/1969 would be out of bounds ("We needed Massachusetts support," Scott explained) by saying that "No one will be allowed to go back and bet on the Super Bowl, or the World Series. Or, in the case of Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld, strangle liberal reporters in their cradles."

McClellan refused to comment on rumors that President Bush wanted "Mr. Wizard" to head the WAYBACK Machine project.

(with a tip o' the hat to Chris Muir)

March 14, 2004

That's Gotta Hurt!

Rosemary Esmay, Queen of All Evil, has encountered good news, and bad news.

The good news is that she doesn't need a root canal.

The bad news is that Dean's sex life will take a nosedive, as others have already archly observed. Or not, if you catch my drift. Heh.

The worse news is that the Idiotarian Liberation Front will get a pass for three weeks. This is not to be borne!

Lewd remarks that to the effect that a half-inch gap in Rose's mouth brace are more than enough for Dean to enjoy himself are beneath notice... :)

March 16, 2004

Separated at birth?

A quick "Happy First Anniversary" to the Mudville Gazette, and thanks for the link to these photos:

shaza.jpg
Well, gyoollllleee!

March 18, 2004

Music Wish List

Y'know, I'm kinda between jobs right now.

Oh, I have one (newly resurrected) now, but it's not what I'm after. It's just to pay the bills.

My point (and I do have one) is that this is a "pay the bills while you keep looking" job, even if the money is halfway decent.

This is why I reall, Really, REALLY resent Dean Esmay. The man is a sick, twisted, sadistic SOB without the slightest tinge of mercy in his makeup.

Why do I say this? Because he has, for the 147th time (by my careful count) made me wish I could afford another great CD.

DAMN him, anyway! Otis Rush, John Lee Hooker, Matt "Guitar" Murphy, and Junior Wells all on the same stage!? Just twist the knife, why don't you?...

Oh, well, at least the Allman Brothers aren't there. :) A note to those who care: if you can; do not walk, RUN to the nearest recording of Wilson Pickett performing Hey, Jude, with guitar lead by a certain Duane A.

April 5, 2004

On a lighter note

Last night we had the Nickelodeon's 17th annual Kids' Choice Awards.

Amanda Bynes had a repeat with her 2nd consecutive "favorite movie actress" win, as did SpongeBob SquarePants for "favorite cartoon and video game."

OutKast picked up a double win with "favorite music group," as well as "favorite song." (Hey Ya!)

Ellen DeGeneres won "favorite animated voice" (justly so, I think!) with her protrayal of Dori in Finding Nemo.

But my favorite was the award given to Hugh Jackman (X-Men, X2, Swordfish, Kate & Leopold, Van Helsing).

Jackman won "finest celebrity burper."

In his acceptance speech, Jackman said "Finally, something my family can be proud of."

My gosh, don't you just love The Arts!?

April 13, 2004

Waffles Away!

Ken Jacobson, over at Esoteric Diatribe had a good (and funny) idea.

Why not google-bomb Kerry with the word waffles the same way some squishy lib'rls did with the miserable failure thing?

A good idea, sez I! I think it would be funny to link Kerry with the word waffles. After all, waffles are square like Kerry, waffles are flat, like Kerry's delivery, and waffles are toasted, just like Kerry will be in November.


Of course, I'm excited, because I like to eat waffles in the morning.

Blueberry.

So I encourage everyone to mention waffles on their website, tell their friends to mention waffles as well, and maybe we'll get waffles up to #1 on Google.

On a (barely) more serious note, if you want to keep the rating from being degraded by the search engine, and your blog 'ware will let you, just post-date the article discussing waffles so that it stays on your main page. This makes it count more.

Or you can do what I did, and put a waffles link on your sidebar.


Happy waffles-ing, everyone!


UPDATE: Ken has told me that we're bombing waffles, not waffle. Whoopsie. All fixed, now!

April 19, 2004

The continuing adventures of Frank J.

As usual, Frank J. over at IMAO has minted yet another gem of comic commentary.

It's insanely funny, as usual, and gives a whole new meaning to the term "partisan sniping."

Not to mention: "get your head out of an undisclosed location." Heh.

April 23, 2004

He shoot, he SCORES!

Frank J. is at it again, this time about Kerry's war medals.

Apparently someone has enrolled the IMAO master of Ching Ching Pao to a pro-Kerry mailing list as a joke.

In fact, Frank recently recieved a fund-raising letter from them, and his fisk of that letter included a truly classic Frankerian gem. The letter makes the obligatory mention of Kerry's Bronze Star and Silver Star, to which Frank replies:

"Why no gold star. Underachiever?"

Priceless...

May 4, 2004

Sick, sick, sick...

I'm sorry, I really am, but...

This is just wrong!

Note: do not click on the link if you really like kittens. :)

May 12, 2004

New Bio-Terror Weapon Unleashed!!

What we laughlingly call "responsible authorities" in Washington D.C. deny the following unclassified story.

A new threat is about to terrorize the MidWest: insurgent cicadas.

Yes, the Bush administration has once again lied to America, despite Dubya's complaint that "Rumsfeld never mentioned anything about any goddam cicadas."

But fear not, for Cincinnati has faced the latest challenge with a Rapid Response High-Tech invention: the Cicada Swatter(tm).

While the Cicada Swatter(tm) may look like an ordinary badmitton racket, that's a part of its 21st Century stealth technology. Don't be fooled by cheap copies imported from haughty, nuanced France!

Scoring (number of swatted bugs) is as follows:
- 20 swats: Hunter.
- 70 swats: Predator
-100 swatts: CICADANATOR

Now available at Cincinnati Walgreens and Krogers. Website (under construction) here.

May 13, 2004

They Bear FULL Responsibility!

I know this analogy has been drawn before, but I couldn't resist linking to the new trailer at apple.com.

From The Life of Brian, What have the Romans ever done for us?

June 12, 2004

Chickens, Crossing Roads, and Iraq

This entry cheerfully stolen from StrategyPage.com.

Why Did the Chicken cross the Road?

Coalition Provisional Authority: The fact that the Iraqi chicken crossed the road affirmatively demonstrates that decision-making authority has been transferred to the chicken well in advance of the scheduled June 30th transition of power. From now on the chicken is responsible for its own decisions.

Halliburton: We were asked to help the chicken cross the road. Given the inherent risk of road crossing and the rarity of chickens, this operation will only cost the US government $326,004.

Muqtada al-Sadr: The chicken was a tool of the evil Coalition and will be killed.

US Army Military Police: We were directed to prepare the chicken to cross the road. As part of these preparations, individual soldiers ran over the chicken repeatedly and then plucked the chicken. We deeply regret the occurrence of any chicken rights violations.

Peshmerga: The chicken crossed the road, and will continue to cross the road, to show its independence and to transport the weapons it needs to defend itself. However, in future, to avoid problems, the chicken will be called a duck, and will wear a plastic bill.

1st Cav: The chicken was not authorized to cross the road without displaying two forms of picture identification. Thus, the chicken was appropriately detained and searched in accordance with current SOP?s. We apologize for any embarrassment to the chicken. As a result of this unfortunate incident, the command has instituted a gender sensitivity training program and all future chicken searches will be conducted by female soldiers.

Al Jazeera: The chicken was forced to cross the road multiple times at gunpoint by a large group of occupation soldiers, according to eye-witnesses. The chicken was then fired upon intentionally, in yet another example of the abuse of innocent Iraqi chickens.

Blackwater: We cannot confirm any involvement in the chicken-road-crossing incident.

Translators: Chicken he cross street because bad she tangle regulation. Future chicken table against my request.

U.S. Marine Corps: The chicken is dead.

Navy: The chicken upon crossing the road was painted and lashed to the curb.

Kerry: "The chicken crossed the road before it did not"

Baghdad Bob: The chicken never crossed the road! He is safe in Baghdad, miles from the marauding vehicles of the infidel! THERE IS NO ROAD!

USAF: "As you can see here in the target video, the bomb was locked onto the chicken...and there it goes...the chicken is still moving...still moving...and unfortunately passed out of the parameters of the guidance system so that the bomb completely missed it and hit the weasel instead. Gotta admit thought, it's impressive footage..."

July 21, 2004

Marine Bumper stickers

Save water, shower with a Marine.

Heaven won't take us and Hell's afraid we'll take over.

USMC: When it absolutely, positively must be destroyed overnight.

When in doubt, empty the magazine.

To err is human, to forgive is divine, however neither is Marine Corps policy.

Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.

There are two types of people: Marines, and those that wish they were.

Martyrs or Marines, who do you think will get the virgins?

All men are created equal, then some become Marines.

It's not an attitude problem, we are that good.

U.S. Marines: Travel agents to Allah.

First Iraq, then France.

We're Marines, we took Iwo Jima, Baghdad ain't shit." (Gen. Kelly)

It's God's job to forgive Bin Laden, it's our job to arrange the meeting.

Sergeants think their only flaw is their excessive modesty.

Except for ending slavery, Fascism, Nazism, and Communism, war has never solved anything."

--Cheerfully stolen from StrategyPage.com

July 25, 2004

Black Holes Explained!

I have to say that Frank J. has become the American answer to Terry Prachett.

You doubt me? Read his primer about black holes!

'Nuff said...

July 27, 2004

Karl Rove and the President

Chris Muir is a talented and funny cartoonist. He also frequently shows a deft touch with his commentary, and he even tries to show the "squishy liberal" point of view once in a while. :)

This strip, however, is a true gem!

07-26-2004.gif

August 6, 2004

Optical Illusion

Can you spot the differences between these two photos?...

September 7, 2004

He's just resting...

Oh. My. GOD.

-step 1: cover keyboard and monitor.
-step 2: remove all spillable drinks from computer area.
-step 3: Read this. (WARNING: probably not work safe if your boss doesn't have a sense of humor!)

What's really funny is that it's dead-on accurate...

Thanks to Don Sensing for the link!

UPDATE: I suppose I should explain that, if you don't "get" Monty Python, you probably won't get the joke... :)

September 12, 2004

Winner for "Best Scandal Title is..."

The Puppy Blender, of course! Glenn Reynolds has decided to call this scandal:

RatherGate
Ya gotta love it!

Winner for "Best Scandal Title is..." II

We have another winner!

The piquant and picturesque Rachel Lucas certainly coined one:

The Revolution Will Be Blogged

Gotta love it!

September 27, 2004

Heee's Baaack...

For a while, now, one of the funniest bits of military humor to hit the 'net has been The 213 Things Skippy Is No Longer Allowed To Do In The U.S. Army. The original Skippy website, alas, had disappeared a while back, but the List kept bouncing around.

I have good news: Skippy's back! Apparently he never realized how popular his list had become; it was rather a shock to the poor boy. Heh.

Anyway, not only is the List back up, but he's now added a new page of things that his friends aren't allowed to do, either.

Run on over, and check it out.

September 30, 2004

Whoa, Nelly!

I've heard of the The Joy of Cooking, then later The Joy of Sex, but The Joy of Politics?

And what the heck is a Votergasm!?

You have to admire a site which encourages political activity via er, other activity, like Doing the Nasty on election night. Not to mention the disclaimers for the Votergasm pledge:

* Pledge-fulfilling sex must be consensual, legal, and generous. And safe. And hot.

* Acceptable sexual positions include, but are not limited to: missionary, doggy-style, cowgirl, reverse cowgirl, leapfrog, butterfly, humpback whale, cling wrap, squashing of the deck chair, accordion, reverse piggy-back, advanced ("twin") leapfrog. Male-male, female-female, group, and oral variations of these positions can also be used to satisfy the pledge.

* Taking the pledge indicates a good-faith effort to abide by its provisions. Pledge-takers who have violated withholding provisions become effective non-voters, and are barred from sex with fellow pledge-takers.

* Pledge-takers who fail to vote are forbidden from masturbating. (Exemption: pledge-takers who are not eligible to vote are encouraged to masturbate frequently.)

* "Cybersex" does not satisfy the pledge, dorkwad.

* Non-voters may render themselves eligible for sex with American Heroes by voting at least twice in local, primary, and/or 2006 congressional races. Those voting in only one such race qualify to perform, but not receive, oral sex on American Heroes.

* Achievement of a Votergasm during election-night sex is probable, but not guaranteed. Those encountering difficulty reaching Votergasm are encouraged to slow things down, talk about it, and reduce the pressure. Other techniques include the use of massage oils, toys, "dirty talk," "ballot stuffing," and "exit polls."

* Per the U.S. Constitution, children conceived on election night are eligible for gigantic interest-free loans from the U.S. government, and special t-shirts.

Thanks to The Conspiracy to Keep You Poor and Stupid for the link.

November 5, 2004

Man, I hate upgrades!

From a friend:

I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I have been having some problems lately. I have been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the Girlfriend releases I have tried have always conflicted with it. I hear that Drinking Buddies runs fine as long as Girlfriend is ran in background mode and the sound is turned off.

Unfortunately, I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. Therefore, I have to run both of them separately. Girlfriend also seems to have a problem coexisting with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some form of timing incompatibilities.

I probably should have stayed with Girlfriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with Girlfriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run Girlfriend 2.0 and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. He was right, as soon as I purged my cache, and realized that no one in their right mind is installing new token rings, Girlfriend 2.0 uninstalled itself.

Continue reading "Man, I hate upgrades!" »

Circle Flies

With a tip o' the hat to Sgt. Hook (soon to be Sergeant Major Hook):

A cowboy in Montana got pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding. The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy feel uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The cowboy said, “Having some problem with Circle flies there, are ya?”

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, “Well yeah, if that’s what they are. I never heard of Circle flies.”

So the cowboy says, “Well, circle flies are common on ranches. See, they’re called circle flies because they’re almost always found circling around the back end of a horse.”

The trooper says, “Oh,” and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute, he stops and says, “Are you trying to call me a horse’s ass?”

The cowboy says, “Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse’s ass.”

The trooper says, “Well that’s a good thing,” and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the cowboy says, “Hard to fool them flies though.”

December 2, 2004

He's back, he's bad!

Chris Muir, author of the excellent Day by Day cartoon strip, has returned from a personal leave of absence, wherein he attended to some serious family matters.

Welcome back, Chris.

And boy, does he put a big ol' Texas-style whompin' on "Dazzling" Dan Rather! Yee-haw!

July 26, 2005

It's a coverup, and we have PROOF!

No, I'm talking about the "Plame affair," AKA Nadagate. I'm talking about something I dropped the ball on last week: the 21st was the thirty-seventh anniversery of Neil Armstrong's first steps on the moon.

Y'all remember how well the MSM covered it. {smirk}

John of Arrgghhh!!! had a nice little post about some of the moonbats who really do think the the landings were fake.

But... What if the moonbats have it right, for once?

It took me nearly a week to find the video -the original website is gone- but I now have positive proof that the landings were faked, right here.
You may want to save some bandwidth by right-clicking on the link and selecting "Save As..." or "Save target as..." depending your browser.


UPDATE: Forgot to mention: listen closely as the astronaut mentions Mr. Gorsky...

May 10, 2006

Comet to hit earth, Bush to blame...

You just can't make this stuff up!

A former French military air traffic controller says a fragment of Comet Schwassman-Wachmann will hit the earth in two weeks.

Better yet, it's all Bush's fault:

He concludes the May 25 event is tied in to the Bush administration's policy of preemptive use of nuclear weapons against Iran, and the effect of nuclear weapons on the realms of higher intelligences.

First Katrina, then this. What's next?

DAYS SHORTEN, LEAVES FALL OFF TREES, BUSH TO BLAME!!

A big thanks to Professor Phil Plait of Bad Astronomy for the original link.

May 16, 2006

"Sensitive and respectful" Rules Of Engagment

Varifrank has the most up-to-date ROE (Rules Of Engagement) released to date by the Bush administration.

Try to keep a straight face while reading them. A spew alert may be in order.

Readers may also appreciate ACLU Takes Over Terror Investigation.

(hat tip to Austin Bay for the link)

May 28, 2006

I wanna be a keyboard ranger!

I knew there was something I had forgotten! About a month ago, Captain Ed formed the 101st Fighting Keyboardists as a way to spoof the intellectually bankrupt "chickenhawk" argument put forth by the mentally lightweight.

Spoof? Sarcasm? Ridicule!? Naturally, I joined immediately. :)

And -equally naturally- I forgot to include the 101st blogroll script for a month. Feh.

101st_Big.jpg

The deranged Frank J. was -as always- ready to provide one of his infamous FAQs.

Finally, a big tip o' the hat and a hugh THANK YOU to Derek Brigham for designing the logo!

Continue reading "I wanna be a keyboard ranger!" »

March 29, 2007

Fred Thompson Facts...

This should go along nicely with the last post about the Fred bumper sticker.

Frank Facts about Fred Thompson.

Some of my faves:
* Fred Thompson has on multiple occasions pronounced "nuclear" correctly.

* Fred Thompson has blasted more people in the face with a shotgun than even Dick Cheney.

* Every night before going to sleep, Osama bin Laden checks under his bed for Fred Thompson.

* Though Fred Thompson left the Senate in 2003, Harry Reid still hasn't stopped wetting his pants.

* Fred Thompson's gaze can kill small animals.

* Fred Thompson once ended a filibuster by ripping out a Senator's heart and showing it to him before he died.

* Fred Thompson's sense of strategy is so great that he can checkmate you using only a pawn and a knight.

* Fred Thompson can know both the exact position and momentum of a particle. Furthermore, he knows Schroedinger's cat is dead because he personally strangled it.

April 17, 2008

Slapping Al Gore

Stephen Green is kvetching about the lovely Colorado spring weather, so I thought I would rub it in with a shot from today, here in southwest Ohio.

DSC04370.JPG

It's a balmy 73.6 F (according to Weather Underground) as I type this, with a light haze overhead.

I'm having trouble dealing with the Global Warmening up here, but I think I can tough it out...

May 15, 2012

What do Al Yankovic and Chris Matthews have in common?

They both lost on Jeopardy
.

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This page contains an archive of all entries posted to The Gantry Launchpad in the Humor category. They are listed from oldest to newest.

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