WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP) - In a surprise move today, the Bush administration announced the funding of a $5 billion project to build a time machine. White House representative Scott McClellan said today that the Democratic Party leaders' demands for a 24/7 accounting of Bush's whereabouts during his ANG service have, yet again, forced the administration to increase Federal funding for yet another ground-breaking new program.
McClellan said that the basis for the new project originated when several Missile-Defense analysts accidentally ingested some TCH pellets soaked in hash oil that had been designed for terrorist behavior-modification applications. This apparently induced an insight into the nature of time; that "one's location in time depends on a point of view moving on a specific vector on a toroidal surface," to quote one habitual user research specialist.
"We feel that the Worldview Anacron Yester-Balancing Annular Clock/Kinetic (WAYBACK) Machine will prove to be a ground-breaker for scientists," remarked McClellan, and followed up a FOX News question whether Chappaquiddick/1969 would be out of bounds ("We needed Massachusetts support," Scott explained) by saying that "No one will be allowed to go back and bet on the Super Bowl, or the World Series. Or, in the case of Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld, strangle liberal reporters in their cradles."
McClellan refused to comment on rumors that President Bush wanted "Mr. Wizard" to head the WAYBACK Machine project.
(with a tip o' the hat to Chris Muir)